When He Speaks

While growing up I attended a very traditional church.  I still do.  There is not a lot of talk about hearing the Lord when He speaks.  I've never heard the Lord speak in an audible voice.  As a matter of fact, 20 years ago I would have been very skeptical of anyone who had said that they "heard" from the Lord.  I just didn't think He worked that way.  I knew that He used His word to tell us things He wanted us to know... but I never took the words from His Word personally.  Like He was using them to communicate to me.  I thought they just conveyed stories and lessons from those who have gone before - compelling me to learn from their mistakes and follow their wise decisions. 

However, I can tell you now, after being in His Word, after walking with Him, after having fellowship with Him, after experiencing His goodness to me time after time after time - I have heard Him speak.   Just today I was reading with Monkey for school. We have been studying the Children of Israel and the exodus from Egypt.  For our Bible time we were reading out of chapter 14 of Exodus. Here is what the Lord had for me this morning... specifically in verses 13 and 14:

Moses answered the people, “Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the LORD will bring you today. The Egyptians you see today you will never see again.  The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still.” 

This morning I REALLY needed these verses for many reasons.  The demands of my sweet new blessing have me up several times in the wee hours of the morning with feedings and diaper changes.  The rest of my family is needing me as well.  Even more so than before. The boys demand more of my time because they are feeling the effects of my time being given to the baby.  My husband wants me to spend time with him.  I am feeling pulled in every direction.  Feeling exhausted and having nothing to give... while still my family requires more of me.  This morning I HIT THE WALL!  I could do it no longer.  

I also have realized since having children that I have some issues.  I never thought I was an angry person.  It took a lot for me to get angry.  Most things that bothered me just rolled of my back like water off a duck.  But since I had children I have seen the ugliest side of myself.  I have seen myself scream at my boys - something I never thought I would do.  And with lack of sleep and more demands my angry reactions have continued.  

Last night I was in Bible Study at church under our pastor's leadership.  Our pastor spoke of meekness - defined as being humbled before God and gentle toward others.  Wow!  A hit between the eyes.  In my anger I have not been gentle with my boys.  

Tonight I am meeting with some friends to pray over my angry reactions.  The appointment has been on the calendar for over two weeks now.  Don't even think that my hitting the wall today and my appointment tonight was sheer coincidence.  There is no such thing.  It's the desire of the enemy to keep me from going to pray... to have me continue to live a defeated life... to incapacitate me... to render me useless for His service.

All these things to say that the verse that I read this morning literally took my breath away.  As I read the verse it was almost as if the Lord held my breath.  The words - deliverance, stand firm, be still - held so much power.  Because they were from the Lord... and they were FOR ME!  My Father wants me to BE STILL and know that HE is going to rescue me!  He is going to FIGHT FOR ME!  All I need to do is be still.  What words of affirmation!  

Speak on Lord!  I'm listening!

Back to Egypt? Really?

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I've recently felt convicted by Holy Spirit after having some incorrect ideas about myself in comparison with certain people from Biblical times.  Being educated has it's downfalls.  Even though I didn't realize it - I thought I was smarter, better - if you will.  Here's the story.

Part 1:
Ever since I was a kid and grew up in church I heard the story of the children of Israel in the wilderness freed from the hand of Pharaoh under the leadership of Moses.  They had seen miracles, one right after the other - the Nile turned to blood, plagues of flies, frogs, boils, hail, locusts, darkness, the Angel of Death taking the first born son, and the Red Sea parting before them so they could cross on dry land to escape Pharaoh's army.  After years of oppression they were finally free. The relief.  They were finally headed to the Promised Land.  What joy!  The long awaited promise was close to being fulfilled.  Israel would have the Promised Land, a land flowing with milk and honey.  Immediately after their escape... moving around in the wilderness... God provided for their needs.  Manna - heavenly food that He delivered. Every. day.  For one night? For a week?  No, for what ended up to be forty years.  What was their response????  They wanted to go back to Egypt.

Numbers 11:5b-6

and also the sons of Israel wept again and said, "Who will give us meat to eat?

 "We remember the fish which we used to eat free in Egypt, the cucumbers and the melons and the leeks and the onions and the garlic,

 but now our appetite is gone. There is nothing at all to look at except this manna." 

After all the miracles they had see the LORD GOD ALMIGHTY perform for their good why would they want to go back to Egypt...to slavery and bondage?  Whenever I heard this story I frequently thought to myself, "If I were in that position I would never say that.  I would be one of the ones to protest.  Why would they ever want to go back to bondage? That's ridiculous."


Part 2:

Fast forward to present, I had a great opportunity to be involved in a women's retreat this fall which has changed. my. life.  Previously after attending a conference or retreat I felt good, was inspired to walk closer to the Lord, even made a few changes in my daily life after attending.  But this wasn't like that.  This was an entire change of direction.  It's one of those situations that changes your life. Forever.

I find myself struggling with my newfound knowledge, realizing it was so much easier living in ignorance... to just go along blindly.  I said those words to the Lord in a quiet time with Him as I was struggling in my transformation - "It was so much easier before. I wish I could go back." I really loved what God was teaching me, but as He was teaching me He was testing to see what I would do with what He had given.  I was having trouble passing the test.  I felt like a failure. But God doesn't give us tests to make us feel like a failures.  He gives them to us for our growth... so we change our ways.  He wants us to get an A and then give Him glory.

Part 3:

Shortly after my little prayer about wishing to go back to my ignorance and sin I was sitting in Bible Study Fellowship one Thursday morning.  We are studying the Gospel of John.  The leader lectured about the Jews who were following Jesus and the disciples.  The people were murmuring... the leader connecting the Jews of Jesus' day with the children of Israel in the wilderness.... those silly children who wanted to go back to their bondage.  And then, like a lightening bolt for no one else but me, it happened.  The Lord gently "spoke" and said - "You are just like them. Do you really want to go back to Egypt - to your bondage?"  "OUCH!"  I am like that.  I would've wanted to go back to Egypt with those silly Hebrew slaves out in the wilderness... even after all of the wonders they had seen the LORD GOD ALMIGHTY do because He loved them. 

Sometimes it seems easier to go back to our sin and bondage, but in reality - do I want to give up the growth I have experienced?  Do I want to sacrifice the intimacy with my God?  Do I want to return to my sin?  A thousand times NO!  I would not ever desire to go back - with the help of God.  My sinful flesh would, but my spirit changed by Holy Spirit desires to grow closer to Jesus.  Daily.

So now I walk. One step at a time.  Continuing the transformation and growth... with the Lord's help.  Heading to the Promised Land.  And only with His help - never going back to Egypt.

Healing the Hurts

This weekend I started a journey.  I attended a retreat for women entitled Healing the Hurts.  It entailed confronting hurts from your past and wrong thoughts and judgements about self, others, and God.

What a weekend!  I felt as if drinking from a fire hose.  There was so much information and all of it was good and beneficial.  When one has an infected wound and it has not been taken care of it festers and affects other areas of the body.  To get rid of the wound one must clean it out before the true healing can begin.  This weekend was the beginning of the cleaning out process.  I have a lot of junk and there's a lot of cleaning that's needing to be done.  But, oh my!  The LORD was so sweet to me.  He showed me how He was with me from my beginning.  He healed me and gave me a choice of life or death, blessing or cursing.  I choose LIFE! I choose BLESSING... for me and my children and my children's children. 

I need to confess - this journey is NOT easy. But necessary.  It is VITAL to my freedom in Jesus.  Not that my sins hadn't all been taken care of on the cross of Jesus almost 2000 years ago, but I need to confess my sins before holy God acknowledging that HE. IS. HOLY!  That I had sinned against HIM by having incorrect thoughts and judgements of myself, others, and Him.

I praise Him for what He has started and am confident that HE will see through to completion the good work that HE has started in me,  confident that these blessings will flow down to my children and their children.  Not because I say it, but because HE PROMISES IT! To God be the GLORY GREAT THINGS HE HAS DONE!

Deuteronomy 30:19-20

I call heaven and earth as witnesses today against you, that I have set before you life and death, blessing and cursing; therefore choose life that both you and your descendants may live; that you may love the LORD your God, that you may obey His voice, and that you may cling to Him, for HE is your life and the length of your days; and that you may dwell in the land which the Lord swore to your fathers, to Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, to give them.

Bring it LORD JESUS!